Boundaries
Written by Brighten LeBeau (They/She)
When it comes to setting boundaries - there is a common misconception that therapists often hear. It goes something like this:
“I tried to set a boundary with my mom by telling her not to yell at me when we are having a conversation, but she just keeps doing it so I guess she just doesn’t respect boundaries.”
The misconception highlighted in the example above is the idea that boundaries are ONLY something a person asks for and then it is up to the listener to follow through on the requested change.
Unfortunately, this method of boundary setting is often ineffective.
So, then the question is- how do we set boundaries that result in changed behavior?
Communicating the boundary is important, but equally as important and often left out, is enforcing the boundary.
In her book, Set Boundaries Find Peace, Nedra Tawab describes two vital parts of boundary setting as 1) communication and 2) action.
Communication is as it sounds - the explanation of our boundary. The goal is to be clear and specific, this might feel uncomfortable at first (especially if you struggle with people pleasing) but remember - being clear is kind and being unclear is unkind. You do not have to over-explain or list all of the reasons why you think this is a reasonable boundary to request. We are all born with innate value so then it is our birthright to ask to be treated with kindness and respect and to leave situations in which others are not able to give that to us. An example of communicating an effective boundary sounds like:
“Because I care about our relationship, I’d like for us to take a break if we are having a discussion and you raise your voice toward me. Also, I will mention when I notice your voice raising and then I will take space to cool down.”
*Hot Take: when communicating a boundary, it is a good idea to stay away from the word “boundary.” This word can carry a negative connotation and put the other person immediately on the defensive to where they might not be open to what you have to say. It is more effective to state the reason for your request like “I am asking this because I want us to have more positive interactions” or “I am working on asking for what I need, and in this situation, I believe I need X.”
Now onto part two, Action. At its core, setting boundaries requires one (or both) parties to change their behavior. A universal truth is that change is not easy for most people- so verbally requesting a boundary one time without enforcing a consequence will likely not result in the change you are looking for. Enforcing your boundary by following through on the action you promised when the situation arises, will teach those around you that there are parameters to how you will allow others to treat you. Over time, they will learn that if they want to remain in your life they will need to respect those parameters.
An example of the action step looks like:
“I feel sad because I notice your voice is raising toward me so I am going to step away for a little bit.”
And then following through on your consequence and walking away. Even if they want to argue with you or protest that they crossed your boundary, you must be committed to taking care of yourself by following through. This will be hard at first and you will likely not walk away perfectly every time, but like any new endeavor, enforcing a boundary is a muscle that will grow with repetition of practice.
When setting a boundary, remember that your desire to be treated kindly and respectfully is valid and worthwhile. You are allowed to have needs and express them kindly and clearly.
Boundary setting journal prompt:
Close your eyes, place your hand on your heart, and take three deep breaths. Consider what boundaries you have set in the past, were they effective? Why or why not? What areas of your life (work, family, friends, romantic relationships) do you feel need boundary setting? What boundary (however big or small) can you set this week to strengthen your muscle of asking for what you need?